In an earlier post, A New Way of Closing a Sale, I talked about the importance of silence.
The book Never Split The Difference, Chris Voss calls the ability to remain silent a “superpower” in negotiation situations.
I hate silence. I’m uncomfortable with it. There is a reason it is called an awkward silence!
Holding silence for others is difficult as you are leaving them to sit with their discomfort.
So this could be good for me to try and see how it goes.
Honestly, I enjoy and think I am talented at keeping the conversation going. It’s how I build rapport and make people feel comfortable.
But is it serving the people I want to help or me?
I am willing to try to see how I can be more comfortable with allowing people to feel discomfort. This might take a while, but I am willing to try it.
The Importance of Silence
I love the idea that closing a sale is just the opening of a business relationship. If I believe our solution will help a client, why aren’t I more willing to call them to take an action that will benefit them?
In personal or coaching situations, holding silence for the other person as they are processing something allows them to experience and feel where they are at before they can articulate or describe it.
Over time I started to see that the two seemingly different concepts of finding good and creating tension, were connected. Somewhat the same, or two sides of the same coin.
In a sentence, I see it as calling out the good in another and giving it space to come about.
Acknowledging, giving it definition – then allowing it to take root, grow and flourish.
I understand the value of both of these, but why is silence so difficult for me. The simple reason is that…
Silence Can Be Deafening
For the last two years, I have been trying to establish a meditation practice. I had gotten to the point of not being able to hear my self think. Honestly, I am not very good at meditation and some days I come out of my 20 minute morning sit thinking what the point is.
A mentor told me that it is not about doing it right. The goal is just to keep doing it.
The Calm app has been helpful in this regard as it keeps track of when I have done it and give reminders if I haven’t. I am not shocked by the amount of silence I have endured!
The hardest part for me is not just sitting in silence with no music going, but quieting the ceaseless chatter I have with myself in my mind. It seems counter-intuitive to me to try and quiet this down. Like somehow the brain activity is what is keeping my world together or even the whole world together.
Kind of like a mouse on one of those spinning wheels. If the mouse stops, the wheel stops spinning.
I am afraid to stop the ceaseless stream of thoughts as I might end up sinking. But when I find the quiet, I start to notice the things that come up, and I get to a deeper awareness of myself. Of the things I have noticed is that there are a lot of people I am pissed off with.
My Shitlist Is Long
That is what I have found. I am mad at a lot of people. Of course, there are the big things that people did that really hurt me. They deserve my indignation and for them to pay.
But what about all the smaller things, just the general everyday interactions I have with people. My chiropractor, or a friend who was short and curt, or the barista at the coffee shop, or the lady at the bank…
Why am I so ticked off about such small things?
Generally, it is when I don’t get my way. Things don’t go according to how I would like them to go — not happening as I expected. I want things to go on my terms.
And this shows up everywhere in my life, but especially in my sales career.
If I believe our solution will help a client, why aren’t I more willing to call them to take an action that will benefit them?
I do believe in our product and that our company will perform for our customers. But I still want it to be on my terms, and not theirs. I want to win for my purposes and not theirs.
It takes some sort of practice to gain awareness of ourselves, and with empathy, shift that focus to others.
Both building and breaking relationships is required in the dance of sales. That seems kind of a harsh reality to me. Silence is almost like being willing to cut off the relationship. This is more nuanced, and I don’t want to be like the stereotypical used car salesman with the hard close.
I am starting to see this as a rubber band. Stretch one way, could bounce back, could stretch too far and break. The tension is required.
Maybe in advance, we need to clarify the point of where we would be willing to cut them loose and say bon voyage. We can’t be everything for everyone. But for the certain someone, we can be significant.
Building the relationship and being willing to cut it off. Creating tension in such a way that it builds the relationship.
—
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:10