Why We Work on Ourselves First

We work on ourselves first because that is the one thing we have direct responsibility. Before we can change others, before we can change outcomes, we need to change ourselves.

Focusing elsewhere can have serious pitfalls.

Trying to change other people, by controlling them has a clinical definition: Co-dependent.

We can be so engrossed on achieving that we lose sight of the forest for the trees. When we are overly focused on accomplishing a goal, we miss the point of having a goal in the first place.

Our society puts an overemphasis on performance. It’s like an arms race in school, colleges, and workplaces to outdo each other. It has led to an alarming increase in Adderall usage in our society and now workplaces.

In sales, it can lead to taking advantage of customers. Upselling or adding extra services that the customer doesn’t want or need in the first place.

Leaders can be so focused on getting results out of a team that they end up crushing them and destroy their capacity to produce results over the long term. I am sure you can think of leaders that cared more about your results than you as a person.

Production vs. Ability to Produce

In the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey talks about a P/PC Balance. There needs to be a balance between Production and our Production Capacity.

Our production capacity is our ability or capacity to produce the results we desire.

This balance is told in Aesop’s Fable The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs. If we don’t take care of the goose, we won’t have any golden eggs. If we don’t take advantage of the golden eggs, we won’t be able to care for the goose.

The bible has a poignant proverb about this:

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23

I am not saying that goals and achievement are not important.

We may have a big vision that we want to bring into the world. But we also need to have the courage and perseverance to make our vision a reality.

Goals are important; we all need to get to the end of the day, month, quarter, or year and feel like we have achieved something worthwhile, something that matters.

But per Proverbs 4:23, above all else, we need to guard our heart. Our priority needs to be caring for ourselves, growing ourselves, and doing the work on ourselves to support the outcomes we desire.

Care For The Roots To Bare Fruit

We all want outcomes. We all want results. No matter what they are, we want more!

Jesus tells a story about a guy who had an orchard. He came to a tree looking for fruit, and there wasn’t any.

Henry Cloud pointed me to this story in their wonderful book Changes That Heal:

Then [Jesus] told this parable: “A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming seeking fruit on this fig tree and I find none. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?
“‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and put on manure. If it bears fruit next year, well and good; if not, then cut it down.’”
Luke 13:6-9

There is an expectation of bearing fruit. Just like the guy who owned the vineyard in the parable, we expect to grow, flourish, thrive, and yield a harvest.

As the great theologian, Bob Dylan would say: he not bust being born / Is busy dying.

But when the outcomes are not there, how do we respond. Do we judge ourselves, harshly? Are we self-critical and cut ourselves down?

Self-criticism is our typical way of responding. But beating ourselves up only leads to shame, and doesn’t lead to lasting change.

For real transformation to occur, we need to dig around the roots. It’s going to take work. It will hurt and require help from the outside. It may ever take some manure, and you know that smells like shit!

But we need to be open and accept help from outside sources, other people and be open to receiving nutrients necessary for growth.

In the parable above, when we realize that we are the tree, we need to recognize that Jesus is the one that advocates for our growth and bearing fruit. And Jesus has only ever been patient with us.

Give it some time. Don’t expect the changes to be immediate. In the parable, the gardener asks the owner for another year. Give it some time. Give it another chance.

Be gracious and don’t cut yourself down.

God gave us the capacity to learn and grow and change and evolve and be refined and flourish.

It is our responsibility to steward well the resources that God has entrusted us with — not squandering time or potential.

Our efforts to achieve our goals can dominate us. We obsess on them and lose sight of the bigger picture.

When we open up and work on ourselves, digging in and around the roots of our lives, in relationship with others, God is at work in our lives:

Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Philippians 2:12-13

God is at work within us, and he will finish what he has started in us.