How do you hold space for others to help them grow?
Leaders are called to drive change by influencing others. We are all in a system of relationships where we depend on others, and others rely on us. Often people come to us or look to us to navigate the way through particular circumstances.
Most leaders are leaders because they have been through trials and gained experiences. When you have been through it, you know how to get through it. In the emotional and relational world, we can only take others to places we have been. Moreover, we can only give away what we have already received.
There are times where people can bring us issues or problems as a way of shifting the items off their plate and onto ours.
The only way we can learn is by experiencing the frustration of not knowing how to do something. We wrestle, struggle, persevere, and when we make it to the other side, we are better because of it.
If we don’t allow others to experience this tension, how can they grow?
To The Rescue
It can seem so fun. Someone comes to us, or we see someone in a situation, and we try just to drop in and resolve it. Fixing or working on other people’s issues is so satisfying. An easy layup and a chest bump to celebrate.
My tendency to provide advice, or offer up my opinions, or give easy answers is directly correlated to my unwillingness to sit with my own hardships. I would instead look away from my junk when what I see is too tricky.
Just throwing this out there: our desire to fix other people’s problems is hiding from facing our own inner work.
And is it really helping them out or merely convincing them to buy into our ideologies as a way to reinforce our own worldview. Fortifying our position and keeping others from taking a stand that might be different than ours.
The proper question is, do I want to help them out of the situation, or do I want to see them grew to something more?
What if instead of rescuing others from the discomfort, we allowed them to experience the tension that will drive them to face and solve the problem themselves.
Experience Transformation
There is a difference between telling the people the answer, as if you were sure of it, and allowing them to come to realize the insight themselves.
This Lent, I am going through the Gospel of John. I’m captivated by the encounter between Jesus and the woman at the well. Jesus is alone in the desert in the middle of the day. He is hungry, weary, thirsty, and at a well with no way to drink from it.
A lady comes to the well, trying to avoid seeing and talking to people. Crossing multiple social and religious boundaries, he asks her for a drink. She is surprised, and not knowing he is the Son of God, and she asks why are you talking to me?
Jesus replied, “If only you knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”
John 4:10
The encounter becomes more puzzling. If he has living water, why is he thirsty and asking for a drink? She stays in conversation with Jesus, asking questions, trying to sort through all this.
Before long, Jesus brings up all of this lady’s baggage, just brings all wrongdoings out into the open. This is like a video of your most shameful shit going viral.
Yet, for some reason, she doesn’t feel disgrace or condemnation and keeps talking to Jesus. Reading the story, it is clear that even though she is exposed, it is not the end of the conversation. She is curious and wants to know and experience the truth of her life.
What did he see in her that no one had ever seen before? Not ever her. How was it that he looked at her that made her entirely at ease and without shame?
Not only was she ok with being fully known, good and bad, she also went on to tell the whole village about what happened. When we have a transformative experience, we can’t help but want other people to experience it.
Deeper Satisfaction
There are small details mentioned in the story of The Woman At The Well, which is not inconsequential. It says that Jesus was hungry, weary, and thirsty. He didn’t have a drink, and when the disciples came back with food, he turned it down. The woman came for water, didn’t get it, and returned home doing heal kicks and dancing, leaving her jug behind.
They received spiritual sustenance. They were looking for one thing and found something more significant. By definition, what they found was unconditional love, when someone knows everything about you and loves you anyway.
Yes, even Jesus received unconditional love from the woman.
Jesus was walking through the desert to get away from the spiritual elite and intellectuals who couldn’t recognize who he truly was. While the woman misunderstood Christ at first, she remained engaged and came to an understanding.
This is grace. The only way others can sense that you care for them and with them, no matter what, is if you have experienced this grace yourself. It is not some intellectual pursuit about what you need to believe. It is about knowing someone and being known and receiving a gift.
How do you create an environment for others to experience a revelation?
There has to be an openness to allow others to think for themselves and articulate their experiences. Give people the freedom to speak up.
As you listen, have empathy and try to see from a different angle. Try to understand their perspective. Reflect back to them what you hear. In doing so, you help them clarify their position or situation.
“In our passivity, we can give a gift we cannot give in our activity.”
Fr. Ron Rolheiser
As brutal as it is, there are moments when you must keep silent. My spiritual director has shown me what a gift this can be. In silence, you allow new and original things to bubble up deep from within, when they want to. It is ok if they don’t arise right away. Sometimes they don’t come easy.
Reflection Question:
How do you help others grow?
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Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob.
He turned the rock into a pool of water,
yes, a spring flowed from the solid rock.
Psalm 114:7-8
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