A little boy had no one to play with.
The first memory I had as a little kid was bringing a stack of pictures to show-and-tell in Kindergarten. The teacher said, “we better not show these” and put them at the bottom of the stack.
The pictures were of my torn up back from when I was attacked by a pair of Dobermans.
The story goes; I was out in the cul-de-sac we lived on, playing with a Tonka truck. My mum heard my piercing scream from inside the house and ran out to get me.
I still wonder why I was out there alone, four years old, playing in the street. No one to protect me. No one to play with me. Where was she? Where were they?
The attack was one of my most traumatic experiences, but it wasn’t the only moment where I felt this way.
We had a fancy house, on a hill overlooking the ocean, but no friends to come over. New bike, skateboards and no one to ride them with. My older brothers didn’t want me around when they were with their friends.
In Year 5, I would pull this weird prank. I would call kids in my class and impersonate another kid. I would then invite myself over to their house, or invite them to mine and set up a time to get together. It would fall through; kids would say “ I was out of town, why would I invite you over?” My teacher, who had a beard and coffee breath, figured out it was me. I lied my way out of it, made up an alibi and thought I got away with it.
High School in Australia starts in Year 7. The friends I had in year seven got into serious trouble. I was sent to boarding school in year eight to start afresh.
I got there a year later than the others, was the new kid, and all the friendships and groups had formed. They all had the shared experience of going through the first year together. Making friends was hard.
Stealing from them and getting caught didn’t help. Who would want to hang out with me? Not even the kids I had known for years before going to this school wanted to be seen with me.
As a punishment for being suspended for stealing, my father made me go off to work on farms during the school holidays. “You don’t get a holiday,” he said. I can still taste the dust in my mouth and typing this has made it hard to swallow. I was away from home for birthdays 13 – 15. I didn’t get a present or a celebration with a birthday cake.
To deal with all this, unconsciously I went up into my head to avoid the pain from the void of the loneliness. I made up an imaginary dream world in my mind where everything was fine. I devoured books, absorbed car books and went on adventures with National Geographic magazines.
All this dreaming made me want stuff. Nice cars, a Porsche or Mercedes, an Omega watch, the one that went to the moon, and have amazing experiences so I could take pictures of it with a Canon camera that had a huge lens.
Maybe the toys would prove that I was fun to hang out with…
I took on a message that no one cares about me. No one wanted to play with me. I had no one to care for me.
Nowadays I am sure that this isn’t completely the case. If care and nurturing some my way, for some reason I rejected it. I didn’t want to accept it and receive it.
I couldn’t have it. I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t worth it, so I rejected it.
I was empty and I couldn’t be satisfied unless I was amazing and I earned it.
I put on a front that I was a party animal to entice people to hang out with me. Being the life of the party took the life out of me.
I wanted connection and people to have a good time with. I thought I had to be something amazing to get it. If the connection was there, they were connecting with something false, a façade, a front.
Own Our History. Change The Story
When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.
Brene Brown
With the help of a circle of trusted brothers, I have begun to own this part of my story. This week I have started to find freedom of this past narrative, and I’m taking a step to becoming fully free.
I will walk about in freedom,
for I have sought your precepts.
Psalm 119:45
Freedom is not about doing whatever I want. Freedom is doing what is good and right and life-giving. Freedom is living life according to Gods terms.
Freedom brings vitality and fullness of life. Doing whatever I want reduces my ability to enjoy life as I am bogged down with guilt and shame.
Claiming who I am in Christ, the one who won salvation for me and brought me into the Promised Land, I can now declare:
I am free
Aint no shackles holding me!
I am free
You don’t need to chase after everything to feel satisfied; you already have it. Rest and receive.
I am free
You are fun to be around. You don’t need to be any different to be more fun to be around. Who you are is enough.
I am free
You don’t need to be afraid of the dark. The negative, the painful, the difficulty is not the stuff you need to be afraid of.
I am free
You don’t need to over plan and make contingencies and demand that it all falls into place. God has a plan for you, and it is good.
I am free
You don’t need to avoid the hard. You can approach the grief, fear, anxiety and move through it with Christ. The sweetness of His presence is honey from the rock.
I am free
You can let go of what you are carrying. If you need it in the future, it will be there for you.
I am free
You don’t need to be exuberant and zealous for people to want to hang out with you. You already belong, and you are worthy of love.
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Shout out to my Crucible Brothers for their help and support.
