Have you ever felt the freedom of a burden lifted?
Can you think of a time where an issue or circumstance weighed you down, you wondered if you would carry it forever, but in a moment it was lifted?
I felt a shift like this a couple of days ago.
These last few months have found me in a season Step 4 from the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
In this process, you write down people who you hold resentments towards and list the events that have hurt you.
Past hurts, left unhealed, affect us in the present. We carry them with us. Listing them out on a piece of paper is difficult, but surprising in how much hurt I am carrying.
How we judge others is a reflection of past hurt, left unprocessed, and is a way to protect us from getting hurt again.
We know we need to let them go, move on, not let it tie you down. But what if you can’t let them go? What if you are unwilling to move on and would rather hold on to the resentment?
Are you waiting for the other person to acknowledge how they inflicted pain on you? Once they apologize, with adequate remorse, will you then be able to move on?
The reason I don’t let go is out of fear of getting hurt again.
But this keeps me from connection. You can’t sit with someone, meet them right where they are when you hold resentment towards them.
If you are struggling to connect with someone because they feel unsafe, you might be blaming them for not doing your work in processing your hurts. Yes, they may do things that irritate your wound, but it is your wound.
When you identify a resentment you have towards someone, get in touch with it, feel where you hold it in your body. What was the event that hurt you?
Think about other times you have felt this pain. Can you trace it back through time? When did it come online? What’s the source? If it was a river, where would the headwaters be?
Once you find a hard or difficult moment from your childhood, think about the context of the situation. Maybe some of the dynamics that were in play back then are still being played out right now.
Put your hand on your heart until you feel it get warm. Hold that situation, that memory of yourself, which is still part of you, in your heart. Send it some love.
Looking at our resentments and judgments, and loving the hard parts of ourselves is not easy work. But this opens us up to God’s work in our lives and allows Him to heal us.
When we metabolize and integrate these parts of ourselves, we can find the security to be with others and connect with them wherever they are at.
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For God alone, O my soul,
wait in silence, for my hope is in him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 62:6-8
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