What keeps us from having great relationships?
We were created in the image of a relational God. Connection, knowing that we matter to others, is at the core of who we are. We all long to have vital and intimate connections with others. What is keeping us from having these relationships?
It seems that it doesn’t take much for our close relationships to sideways. We get out wires crossed, and the relationship gets shorted out. Disconnection is easy to slide into.
When there is relational conflict, not the kind where there is abuse, just the everyday kind that seems to grow and grate on you, it is the result of a lack of connection.
The Source of Disconnection
What we don’t like or accept about ourselves keeps us from connecting.
When someone irritates you, they get under your skin, and it’s not because they enjoy being a jerk. It bothers us so much because they are aggravating a raw spot, irritating an old wound.
That sense that we are not good enough; it is the part of us that we think is inadequate. It is not that we don’t meet someone else’s expectations, its that we don’t measure up to the standards we set for ourselves.
I’m not talking about the people who are mean, abusive, and unkind. For those people, only engage them with lawyers, guns, and money! The people we hold dear and trust, allow them to see all of who you are, especially the dark parts.
The Fear of Disconnection
When someone sees junk in us, or we see our own junk, it is human nature to cover it up. The lie we believe is that if others knew who we really were, they would have nothing to do with us. If others see what is wrong with us, they won’t want to be in a relationship with us.
The fear of rejection runs deep in all of us. I thought sales was the school of rejection to would teach me how to overcome it. But it seems like it always finds a way to cut deeper and keep us from pursuing our dreams.
For me recently, it has been this writing and creative project, which you are reading right now. When someone points out a typo or a sentence that doesn’t make sense, it’s like a kick to the loins! By showing up in the world in a new way, it is a fledgling seedling that could get trampled on.
We hesitate to speak that truth about our vulnerabilities because they may be used against us, and we get taken advantage of. Or it will lead to a world of isolation and loneliness.
Bring The Dark Spots into the Light of Day
When we hold back from speaking up, it is a form of dishonesty. Staying silent, when we have something to say, is a form of lying. By choosing to stay silent, you are trying to protect some part of you that is vulnerable and threatened. It is human nature to try and keep it safe.
Acknowledge them when it is safe. Bring the darkness out into the light of the day. It diminishes their power over you.
The Word gave life to everything that was created,
and his life brought light to everyone.
The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it.
John 1:4-5
Point out your flaws, as opposed to pointing out the flaws of others. Then we others point out your flaws, you can agree with them and not waste energy trying to defend them.
Maintaining Connection
It is easy to make conflict about right or wrong, what you did was out of line, I need to prove to you that you were in the wrong and I need you to agree with me that you were in the wrong so that my hard feelings are justified.
What if we could reframe it in terms of connection? What do I mean to you? Do I matter to you? Am I alone, or are you with me?
Standing up, speaking up, and showing up is the only antidote to rejection. When we allow ourselves to be seen, we allow ourselves to receive grace from others.
So I, ain’t a-wastin time no more…
You don’t need no gypsy to tell you why
Ya can’t let one precious day to slip byGregg Allman
Reflection Question:
What shadow shows up for you this season?
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Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:31
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