What do you need?
It can be a terrifying question. And it is hard to know at what level do you even try to answer it.
We were all made with relational needs, ways that others can provide for us so that we can thrive. These can be an encouragement, challenge, validation, containment, or forgiveness. The psychiatrist, author, and leadership development trainer, Dr. John Twonsend, has listed out about twenty relational needs.
These relational needs are things we receive from others and the things we provide for others.
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.
1 Peter 4:10
We go about most of our day aware of what needs we have. One of the reasons we are not mindful of our needs is that we are busy tending to the needs of others.
Providing What We Don’t Have
I don’t want to speak for everyone. I know that I would much rather take care of other people’s needs than to have my own needs met. I know I’m not the only one. Leaders and people who have risen to a place of influence.
Acknowledging our needs is admitting that we don’t have it all together. Leaders believe they are supposed to have it all figured out. After all, people are coming to us for guidance and direction. It is the people on our teams who are the needy ones.
Author Brene Brown has a great quote on this:
When you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping. When you attach value to giving help, you attach value to needing help. The danger of tying your self-worth to being a helper is feeling shame when you have to ask for help. Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.
Brene Brown
If we are unable to acknowledge our needs, there is no way they are being met healthily. These needs are being met through acting out or addictive behaviors.
While people provide these needs, who we are in a relationship with, the Bible is clear that they come from God.
John answered, “A person can not receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.”
John 3:27
We haven’t received anything that hasn’t come from God. If we are unwilling to acknowledge our needs, we are refusing to remain dependant on God. We are trying to do for others out of our pride and arrogance.
How Do We Receive?
You are aware of what we need is the first step. You could bring to mind an issue you are facing, read through the list of needs, and see what resonates. Going from the Brene Brown quote above, you could also get curious about the people that you judge.
Once we identify what we need, it is time to find the words to express and explain the situation to someone you trust. When we open up a window of our lives, we allow others to see us and know us. When you tell us what you see, you are allowing yourself to be seen.
As I was working on this post this week, a verse in John jumped out for me. This is Jesus, in the middle of the night, talking to Nicodemus, one of the Jewish rulers:
Truly, Truly, I say to you, we speak of what we know and bear witness to what we have seen, but you do not receive our testimony.
John 3:11
How open are you to receiving what you need from others? To the extent that we are free to receive, God gives the Spirit without measure!
Once we have received it, possess it within ourselves, take it all the way in, we can give it away. Who gave us the authority to give it away? Do we need permission or for God to prompt us to give it away?
If God has given it to us, how can we hoard it? We receive it to give it away. It is in giving it away that we are resupplied.
Changing Our Operating System
How can we know where we are at unless we take a moment to recognize it? How will others know where we are is we are unable to express it? If it seems like they missed it, send another signal to help them tune in.
Open the window, let us see in. Open the blind, allow a little light in, and it will drive out the darkness.
Express what we lack, and the need will be met. Be honest about our insufficiency, and it will be given beyond measure.
Typical process…
I lack it because I don’t ask.
I don’t ask because it would concede deficiency.
Pride cuts off receptivity.
I give out of obligation, which fosters resentment.
What if…
Aware of my need
Express it and ask for it
Be open to receiving it
Offer it up to others.
I think it is incredible that God set up life in the kingdom to work this way. It is grace upon grace, and we get to work with God caring for others and being cared for.
Reflection Question:
How open are you to receiving relational needs?
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Whoever does what is true comes to the light,
so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.
John 3:21
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