The space in between stimulus and response it the choice that we all have. We all get to chose the response.
But do we really?
This is also the moment to shows how out of control we can be.
What if we were able to have greater control over our response?
As the fear came rising, what if we felt so distant from it that we didn’t get hooked or snagged by it.
It is developing patience and being able to wait for a little bit and respond accordingly in a way that the situation demands and doesn’t leave us in regret or worse a place of shame.
The freedom to chose our response. It is a great power. One that is worthy of developing.
Where does the choice gets made from? It is the logical and rational part of our lives. I would hope so, but why does it seem that it mostly comes from the emotional overwhelm, or for me, it is the impulsiveness. There is a third part, of course, the primal part of our brains often called the Lizard Brain.
The Driver of Choice
It is the physiological side that has the most significant say. It is our instinctual drives and cravings, will power is weak. And more overwhelming. It is this part of us that demands to be fed.
When I think about emotional intelligence, I can’t separate it from where I was, the life stage I was in when I read the book by Daniel Goldman. I was twenty-three, right out of college, and a brand new dad.
The emotional rollercoaster I felt like I was on was anything by intelligent. When I see photos of that time of my holding my baby, I realize that I was just a child, holding a child.
I picked up Emotional Intelligence from the self-help section at Barnes and Noble, and it seemed like a lifeline.
Identifying the emotions that my daughter was experiencing by acknowledging them and saying, “I see you are sad,” helped me identify what was going on in my emotional landscape.
The first component of emotional intelligence is self-awareness, noticing, and expressing your emotions. Awareness of how our emotions affect others is critical too.
The second component is emotional regulation. The ability to control our reactions. This is what psychotherapist Viktor Frankl taught from his horrific experiences in concentration camps:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Viktor Frankl
Stimulus — Choice — Response
I wasn’t able to grow in emotional regulation until I discovered breathwork. I still find it fascinating that the same location in our brains that regulates our emotions also regulates our breathing.
Our respiration responds to our emotions. And our emotions adjust by our respiration.
Most of the time, our breathing is unconscious. Thankfully we don’t have to remind ourselves to inhale, especially while we are sleeping.
Our breath can be subconscious when we are following it and noticing how the breath cycle feels in our bodies as we would in meditation.
To become conscious of our breath is when we control the parts of our breath. This can by counting or using a timer to follow a regular pattern with the breath.
There are only four parts to the breath: inhale, hold, exhale, hold. If we play around with these areas
If we play around with the four parts of the breath, inhale, hold, exhale, hold, we can see how it impacts the emotional state that we are in.
Taking control of our breath is the way to grow the space between stimulus and response. The power is in the gap. We can choose to respond with intentionality as opposed to a reaction like we are out of control.
The breath helps us shift from the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems. Parasympathetic is the rest, digest, and restore system that is in play when we are chill. The Sympathetic system is our fight or flight response that we operate from when we are feeling frantic.
Sympathetic responses to the inhale. In a panic we have short and fast inhales.
The exhale side of the breath impacts the parasympathetic state. By extending the exhale for as long as possible, it will help us chill out.
A fascinating point about our physiology is that we don’t breathe because of a lack of oxygen. Well, it does, but only in a roundabout way. According to the Bohr Effect, our bodies trigger to breath is based on the rising level of carbon dioxide levels in the blood
We can handle carbon dioxide that affects our breathing pattern.
There is a correlation between disease and respiration rate. The book Oxygen Advantage has a table that shows the respiration rate that people have with different conditions. You can map disease to the respiration rate.
There are three areas to consider in building respiration control.
- Nasal breathing. You have to commit to only breathing through your nose unless you are talking or eating. Tape your mouth closed when you sleep. After you smooch your spouse good night, of course. Not only does the nose filter the air, but it also engages your diaphragm. Try single nostril breathing to build this capacity.
- Improve your CO2 tolerance. You test this by timing a breath-hold or how long you can exhale. By doing this every morning, you have a great read on the stress level your body is carrying. Seeing trends here is compelling as it is more quantitative than checking in on our emotions.
- Reset before transitioning between events. Ever had a stressful day, and you flip out at your spouse just for asking how your day was? It only takes three long calming breaths to reset ourselves neurologically. Now, if you are fully pegged, it may take ten or more long breaths, but at least you will be heading in the right direction. The ability to shift to parasympathetic when there is no immediate danger is lovely for everyone.
By developing a breathing practice within a month, you will see the space between stimulus and response widen. It will keep you from overwhelm at work and keep you from taking it out on your family at home.
The Life Breath of Our Soul
According to the biblical creation account, God made humankind and brought them to life with his breath. For the Hebrew people, the connection to God and breath was close. The two syllables that make up God’s name, Yahweh, is the sound our breath makes on the inhale and exhale. As we breathe, we sound God’s name.
The Hebrew word nefesh is commonly translated as soul. It appears in the beautiful poem, Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastours,
He leads me by still waters.
He restores my soul.
Psalm 23:1-3
I really dig the Hebrew translator Robert Alter. He translates Psalm 23:3 as My life He brings back. The commentary states:
Though “He restoreth my soul” is time-honored, the Hebrew nefesh does not mean “soul” but “life breath” or “life.” The image is of someone who has almost stopped breathing and is revived, brought back to life.
Robert Alter
I love that. Revive us, O God! When our hardships overwhelm us, it is God who restores us.
In the Old Testament, Job was an innocent man who suffered brutal atrocities. His friends were out of touch, but that didn’t stop them from dropping wisdom here and there:
But it is the Spirit in a person,
the breath of the Almighty,
that gives them understanding.
Job 32:8
When trouble strikes, we get overwhelmed; our typical reactions are over-reactions. We need to recognize our reactions for what they are and turn them into learning opportunities.
When we get into a stressful situation, like trying to close a deal or negotiate a situation with a Police officer, we need to stay in the moment and maintain control of our responses.
Our mood is an essential indicator of when a situation is too stressful. It is a spectrum from I want to be here to I don’t want to be here anymore.
Modern research has found a correlation between disease and respiration. Sickness or poor mental health leads to a higher respiration rate.
Suffering becomes trauma when the stimulus is too high for us to bear. We offload the stress and store it in our bodies. Pain and tension in our bodies are stored trauma.
Chronic pain is not really pain but a miss firing of our neurology. Amputee patients experience phantom limb pain after the limb has been removed. Breathing changes pain. Studies found yoga breathing relieves pain. A few months into my breathwork practice, lingering pain from shoulder dislocations, vanished. Even after years of physical therapy and resigning to the possibility of having it my whole life.
We need a way to process pain adequately. Stress as a stimulus plays a crucial role in helping us grow and change. God designed us to be adaptable and able to change.
Or typical responses are trained responses. The same way we learn to become an arsehole is the same way we learn to be kind. We get to chose how we respond.
A bridge has integrity when it can handle the load it is put under. Humans have character when they are ready for the situations that life brings our way.
Avoiding hardship is not going to lead to a full experience of all that life has to offer. Other than Jesus, the Apostle Paul was the person that suffered the most for the gospel. He endured beatings, imprisoned without cause, and even survived a shipwreck. This is what he wrote about it:
For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.
2 Corinthians 1:8-10
I don’t know what it is like to suffer atrocities of Holocaust concentration camps. It feels trite to say it, but I’m grateful for the gifts that Viktor Frankl has to share with us all.
If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.
Viktor Frankl
Don’t we all want to know deeply that our hardships and sufferings have a purpose?
I’m not saying this to minimize the trauma I or anyone has endured. Loss and tragedy and losing loved ones change the course of our life. Things will never be the same.
I am not nieve. There is evil and real opposition in this world and enemies out to harm us. You don’t have to look too far or read the news for too long to know that this is the case.
Is the nihilist right all along? Or can we have a perspective like Joseph, the guy with the technicolor dream coat:
As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
Genesis 50:20
Reflection Question:
How open are you to receiving a fresh perspective?
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And we know that for those who love God
all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
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